I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
