sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
