My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
