I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's rum buckets o'clock
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
