I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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