some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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