Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
