Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
