you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
