Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
