You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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