i wish my penis had a tongue
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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