You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
