i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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