Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
