The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
