I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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