soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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