i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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