You smell like a Billy Joel song
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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