I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
