oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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