Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
