His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
