Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
