my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
