I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
