Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
