Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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