so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
