i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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