wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
