Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
