a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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