Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
