I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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