its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
