it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
