I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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