today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
should my penis look like a turkey
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
