Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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