i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
