I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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