You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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