he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
