Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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