shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I forget how to act sober
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
