So drunk its hurt
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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