Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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