Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
