Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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