you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Liz is crying about burritos again.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
