We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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