i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
